Best F(r)iends
(The Channel Awesome logo is displayed. We open on...bird's-eye shots of Chicago, with the title and credits of a different font rolling amid them in the black background. This is pretty similar to the opening of a certain movie. Fade to the Nostalgia Critic, who looks around his room in confusion) NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. I don't know why we didn't have our usual intro. (For the next few seconds, it alternates between this camera and a second camera with a decidedly lower quality to it and slightly off to the side of the NC, who points to it) NC: Or why there's a lesser-quality camera right next to a high-quality camera. (Eyes widen in alarm) Oh, my God! HE'S HERE!! (NC runs out of the room through the hallway and stops in horror when he sees...Tommy Wiseau (actually, it's Greg Sestero playing him) smiling and standing near the exit) Tommy: (slurring through all his lines) Ha-ha. Oh, hi, Critic. You look different. NC: (sternly) Tommy Wi-goddamn-seau! Tommy: Ha. Yeah, that's me. I have gift for you: football. You want football? Catch it. (He throws a football into NC's hands, the latter throws it away) NC: Keep your footballs in your pocket! (thinks for a bit) Why did I say that? That's terrible! Tommy: Yeah, relax, Critic. It's okay. You look good. Anyway, how is your sex life? (Against all odds, NC does a spit take) NC: How'd water even get in my mouth?! (Tamara and Malcolm appear in front of Tommy) Malcolm: Hey, relax, Critic. We're gonna have so much fun with him. Tamara: Yeah. Tommy, say the thing. Tommy: What thing? Tamara: The line. Malcolm: Yeah. Tommy: Oh, the line. Oh, I need to have a motion. (NC facepalms) "''I did not hit her, it's not true. It's bullshit. I did not hit her. I did not...oh, hi, Mark." ''(After Tommy throws a bottle he was holding on the floor, Tamara and Malcolm laugh and clap) Tamara: Oh, my God, he said the thing! Tommy: Look, this is official merchandise water bottle. Roommovie.com. (Malcolm picks up the bottle, and it's seen that the "Ice Mountain" logo on the label is crossed out by a black marker, and "The Room Water" is written above) Tommy: Yeah, no. It's real thing. It's real thing. Malcolm: (overlapping) Wow. Tamara: (to NC) Isn't he the best? Tommy: (to Tamara) Don't talk too much. NC: No! This is always what he does! First, he's cool, then he's not. Then he's cool, then he's not. Then he brings up The Room, and everybody just forgets everything! Tamara: Wait, that's not true. Is it, Tommy? Tommy: Okay, quiet. Look, I have gift for you. Football. (He gives Tamara a football, and she looks overjoyed) Tamara: Look, Critic, a football! NC: Yeah, heh-heh-heh. Can you two give us a minute? Malcolm: Oh, why? Are you chicken? Tamara and Malcolm: (imitate chickens) Cheep, cheep-cheep-cheep-cheep-cheep... NC: (sarcastically) Yeah, you're the first ones to do that. Go! (Tamara and Malcolm leave the scene, still cheeping) Tommy: Ha-ha-ha... NC: Okay, Tommy. You may have fooled your sheep... Tommy: No, not sheep. It's chicken. NC: Whatever...you're not fooling me! One minute, you're trying to take down our videos, the next, you're giving bizarrely kind interviews, when neither I or anyone else here is gonna be manipulated by you any further! Aiyanna: (appearing in the doors, holding a phone) ''Oh, hey, Critic. Did you know that nutball Tommy Wiseau is here? I just want to let you know in case he dropped by... ''(sees Tommy and instantly becomes eager) Oh, my God! Tommy: (overlapping Aiyanna) Oh, hey. Oh, yeah. Yeah, no problem. Uh, let's do it, let's...like this, "huh". Do something crazy. Huuuuuh. Aiyanna: (overlapping Tommy) Can I take a selfie?! Oh, my God... Okay. (sticks tongue out and takes a selfie) (NC massages his forehead, looking furious) Tommy: I have gift for you. Aiyanna: Okay. Tommy: (takes out another football) Here you go. Football. Aiyanna: (gasps) Oh, my God!.. Tommy: No, no. Hold tighter. Aiyanna: Oh, oh, okay. Tommy: It's a Room movie football. Aiyanna: Critic, look, it's a football! NC: GO OVER THERE! Tamara: (offscreen) Aiyanna, do you have a football, too? Aiyanna: Yeah! Though I didn't know it has a "Wilson" crossed out, and then just says "The Room". (leaves) NC: So what are you doing here, you walking accent? Tommy: Well, I want to say, fight is over, Critic. I'm sorry, okay? Everything is fine. NC: Yeah? What's the angle? Tommy: No angle. I want to show people I can do more than just The Room, you know. I can...I'm very versatile actor. NC: No, you can't, Tommy. You can only do less. Far, far less. Tommy: Well, I disagree with your negative statement. Right there, I stopped you right there, you know? With proper studio, big shark, director, camera, I can do anything. I can do superhero, I can do dolphin, I can do...anything we show you now. We make new movies. NC: I'd like to believe you, Tommy...actually, no, I wouldn't, but, regardless, you've gone back and forth so much. Tommy: Well, believe nothing. Okay? I can show you it happened. Or it will happen. NC: Ah, and there's the rub. As I think both you and I know nobody is patient enough to put up with your insanity anymore... (Tommy brings out a photo of Greg Sestero) ...except him. Tommy: Ha-ha-ha-ha...ha. (The title for the movie ''Best F®iends is shown, followed by clips)'' NC (vo): Best Friends is the first big outing between cult stars Greg Sestero and Tommy Wiseau since their now classic disasterpiece, The Room. Sestero wrote and produced this two-part true story, and when I say true, I mean...you know how The Conjuring was technically true?...this is the Annabelle: Creation of that. Sestero admitted that one of the reasons he wanted to make this movie was to show that his buddy Wiseau can actually turn in a legit performance. Okay, I'll set the "legit bar" to Shaq from Kazaam, and even that, I think, is too high. Any time these two are together is guaranteed to be weird, but is it an entertaining kind of weird, a passionate kind of weird, and, most importantly, a different kind of weird than what we've seen in T''he Room''? NC: Well, even if that's not the case, I think they'll get over it. (Cut to Tamara, Malcolm and Aiyanna standing with Tommy in front of the shelf) All: You are tearing me apart, Lisa! (They laugh) Tommy: That's good. (to NC) Hey, Critic. Go watch a movie. (NC sighs and leaves down the hallway) Do your job. You're just standing there like Statue of Liberty. NC: (goes back to his desk) Well, I guess it figures to give this movie a fair shot. Let's take a look at... (The title of the movie is shown again) NC (vo): ...Best F-parenthesis-r-end parenthesis-iends. NC: Oh, now I get it. (throws arms, smiling) (The films opens with a pan over Los Angeles) NC (vo): The films starts off with an actually beautiful-looking shot... NC: (holds up a folder that reads "Wiseau directed it") Well, scrap that conspiracy theory. (throws it away) (A man named Jon Kortina, played by Sestero, wakes up sitting at a tree, startled, with his shirt covered in blood) NC (vo): ...as we see Sestero waking up, covered in blood, not remembering what happened...so how most actors wake up in LA. (Jon takes a shower at the beach and writes fake stories about himself on cardboard to get money on the streets) NC (vo): He plays a man named Jon, who seems to be a driftless wanderer begging for money on the street, and...I'm just gonna say it, he is way too good-looking to be your run-of-the-mill beggar. I mean, there's living on the street everyday, and then, there's Captain America got a little dirty. (The caption "Sestero Cologne" fades in as the scene of Jon looking back is played in slo-mo) You can practically see the cologne label under him! (Cut to Chester A. Bum standing against a wall as "Minuet" by Luigi Boccherini plays in the background) Chester: OH, MY GOD, that is the hottest homeless man I've ever seen in my life! I can't bear telling my significant other that I have talked about someone else. (Doe is shown gently stroking Tommy's hair) Doe: It's okay, love. This obvious homeless man has been catching my eye, too. (giggles) Tommy: Hey, sweetie. You want to play "Truth or Dare"? Chester: (screams at the sky) WISEAAAAAAAAU!!! (A white hearse drives up to Jon, and out of it comes a person who is wearing platform shoes) NC (vo): He comes across Wiseau driving a hearse and wearing platform shoes... NC: Because we'd be concerned if he didn't enter the movie like that. (The man is revealed to be a mortician named Harvey Lewis, who's played by Wiseau. He asks Jon to help him carry a coffin) NC (vo): ...as he asks for help carrying a coffin in the Pee-wee Herman's funeral parlor. Harvey: Not too close, okay? It may bite you. (points at Jon's shirt) Oh, were you... (chuckles) I'm so sorry about your family. I cannot help you with ninjas or karate. But guess what? You know what? I can give you a job. Come on, help me with this. NC: Are you sure they didn't accidentally cast this backwards? I could much easier see him... NC (vo): ...waking up on the street, covered in blood! (Harvey and Jon take out the dead body out of the coffin and put it on the table) Harvey: You will now meet my friend, Mr. Lester Green. He took bullet for his wife. He saved his wife. NC (vo): In answer to your biggest question about how do you make such an unbelievably strange man a convincing character, you just write him as an unbelievably strange character. (Cut to Harvey and Jon with another dead body on the table) Harvey: The next one is very brutal. We have to do something special for him for funeral. Okay? He can be Marlon Brando or...Tupac Shakur. NC (vo): Now, the comedy of The Room came from Tommy trying to convince us he's a normal guy and spectacularly failing. Here, the comedy comes from how weird Tommy is, which is a very easy thing to convey. He plays an undertaker named Harvey who has a passion for fixing dead people's faces. While he doesn't say it well, he does say it...convincingly, at least in the strange environment the film's established. Harvey: I have to change this. I have to give him beautiful face. / Cary Grant or James Dean. That's what he needs. / Don't be scared, ninja man. I need your help. Pass me the...the middle one. NC (vo): Even if I never knew who Tommy Wiseau was, I'd say this was good casting because his delivery is just so strange, but the character is so strange. His foreign accent... NC: You know, the (makes air quotes) "American" one... NC (vo): ...just adds another layer of mystery to what this guy is about. Even though he's clearly not good at communicating, you still buy that he's passionate about communicating. Sestero plays the opposite. He barely talks throughout most of the film. Anyone with sense would tell you giving the majority of dialogue (The green arrow points at Harvey) to this guy would not be the wisest move. But Sestero's quiet stares mixed with his own mysterious background constantly has you asking who are you supposed to be afraid of. They're both odd in their own unique way, not knowing which one you're supposed to be rooting for, which one to be terrified of, perhaps maybe one of each, or neither. NC: And, yes, when they're supposed to be funny, they are pretty funny. Harvey: (preparing to sew a face cast on a dead person) I give you face of Jesus, King of Man! NC (vo; as Harvey): In the name of the Father, Son, and what-the-ever. Harvey: (to Jon) I know tomorrow you'll be talking. I know that already. (The following evening, Harvey goes to Jon washing hands in the bathroom. He gives him a new shirt) NC (vo): Harvey decides to give Jon some money and doesn't even ask him about his blood-stained shirt. Heck, he just gives him a new one. Harvey: You have bloody t-shirt. Take this one. NC: (as Harvey) I always have backup in case of blood. It's surprisingly on me often. (Going away, Jon wanders to a tree market and falls asleep there) NC (vo): Ooh, it's a Christmas movie! Actually, don't give them ideas. (A picture of Wiseau appears with a caption "A Wiseau-Ho-Ho Christmas") (The next day, when begging for money, Jon receives a newspaper with an ad for "The Inventor's Guide to Gold and Silver") NC (vo): Jon sees an ad about gold and thinks back to the gold tooth that Harvey pulled out. After this interesting encounter... (A man walks up to Jon) Man: Gold? I heard it's going up. (points that he has a tooth missing) I sold mine! (laughs as he leaves) NC: Well, now we know what happened to Emilio Estévez. (Jon shaves and cuts his hair under a bridge) NC (vo): After those words of wisdom, Jon gets a shave and a haircut... (Cut to a clip from ''Who Framed Roger Rabbit)'' Roger: Twooooo bits! NC (vo): ...and tries to use his voice again, which he hasn't utilized presumably since all the dialogue he had in Patch Adams. (A clip of Sestero's minor role in this movie is shown) Jon: Can I help you? I... Can you help...can you give me a job? And...I'm just hopeless at this...at this time. NC: Again, I feel like this is normal for how most actors practice getting work in LA, even down to... NC (vo): ...being under a bridge. (Jon goes to Harvey's mortuary, and the latter gets startled and throws his trash bag when he sees his new acquaintance looking different) NC: Oh, yeah. Because if anyone would be afraid in this scenario, it'd be... NC (vo): ...this guy afraid of this guy. Harvey: So where is your beard? What happened to your beard? NC: Well, in The Disaster Artist, it was a Bryan Cranston thing, but I never read that in the book. (The shot from this movie is shown, with Cranston inviting Sestero for a role in ''Malcolm in the Middle ''episode) NC (vo): Jon asks for a job, but Harvey seems less than enthusiastic. Jon: No, I can help you. Harvey: I don't think so. Jon: I can bring the trash out. I can... Harvey: You know what? I give you advice. Goes back to school. NC: (as Harvey) Yes, if you goes back to school, you can speaks better Spenglish! (Eventually, Harvey agrees to hire Jon as his assistant) NC (vo): Harvey decides to give him a chance, as he even the way he opens the door is kind of a mystery. (Harvey knocks on the metal door to his mortuary two times, and it opens by itself) NC: (smiling) Even Sestero has a look like... NC (vo; as Sestero): That was not in the script? How did he do that? (Jon finds a bag full of gold fillings which Harvey has collected from the teeth of corpses over the years) NC (vo): While cleaning, Jon finds a bunch of gold fillings Harvey collected over the years and steals them, and just as Harvey made him a...um, gift? (Harvey greets Jon, wearing a face cast) Harvey: I made it. Jon: Can I have it? Harvey: (takes the cast off) Sure. (chuckles) It's you. Jon: I can't believe it, this is...you're an incredible artist. NC: (as Jon) It's the most touching and terrifying thing I've ever been given, thank you! NC (vo): Harvey talks about how one of his clients died, and since he was Chinese, they should have Chinese food in his honor. Good to know. NC: If Tommy died, I would have something from...the planet Numbplar in his honor. Harvey: He was very kind, kind, you know, Chinese man. Chinese usually are very selfish men, you know? NC: (looking concerned) Well, that was said! (Sitting on the floor, Jon reads the book he found out about in the ad while Harvey eats noodles) Harvey: (singsong) Cheers to Mr. Lee. Cheers, hey! Jon: Cheers. Yeah. Harvey: So what do you want to be? Hmm? (singsong) What do you want to be, Jooooooon? NC: ...Well, I'll give credit. I thought it'd be quicker than the 25 minute mark before I finally said "What the hell was that?". (After getting the money for selling the fillings from a dentist named Andrei, played by Vince Jolivette, Jon returns to Harvey, who happily greets him) NC (vo): Jon gives the stolen fillings to a dentist and makes a ton of money. So he returns to Harvey to pick up a basketball to... (sighs) ...throw it back and forth. Jon: Tonight? Harvey: Yeah. (throws a basketball to him) ''Here you go. '''Jon:' All right. How are we gonna get there? (throws it back) NC: (nods) You might be wondering: what's wrong with that? Movies do callbacks all the time, so what's wrong with this one? NC (vo): The problem is, the movie is actually doing okay in its different tone than having a callback (The infamous scene of Mark and Johnny from ''The Room throwing a football back and forth in the field is shown)'' while their supposed-to-be-building character is taking us out of the scene, rather than sucking us in. NC: Just try to watch this scene and see if you can focus on what they're actually saying. Harvey: Do you have a girl or something? (throws the ball to Jon) NC (vo; as chanting men): THE ROOM! THE ROOM! THEY WERE IN THE ROOM! THE ROOM! THE ROOM! THEY WERE IN THE ROOM! NC: And just a heads up, I didn't edit that in! Look at the scene with just the audio! (The audio from this scene is played) Harvey: Do you have a girl or something? Jon: Just doing my own thing. Harvey: Loneliness is hard sometimes, but it's easier than losing someone. NC: See? You can follow it fine! Now, with the visual. NC (vo; as chanting men): THE ROOM! THE ROOM! THEY WERE IN THE ROOM! Tommy: (peeks inside NC's room) Oh, hi, Critic. Did I mention I'm in the room? NC: Yes, Tommy! (throws hands) We all know you starred in The Room! Christ! Tommy: No, I mentioned I'm in this room right now. NC: (flummoxed) W-why would you just randomly say that? Tommy: Because your memory is suspect. I'm sorry to tell you, you need reminder, you know? My friend. So tell me, what do you think about my performance? NC: (sighs) Well, it's actually pretty... (looks at Tommy) I'll get back to you on it. Tommy: Ah, okay. You take your time. I...I go to hallway. I leave in hallway right now. (closes door slowly) Oh, hi, hallway. Okay. I'm in hallway. Good luck. (leaves) NC: I'm so uncomfortable he knows where I work. (Harvey and Jon travel to Las Vegas) NC (vo): Harvey decides to go to Vegas that night and take Jon with him. I have to admit, I didn't think you could get a stranger duo in a convertible near Vegas than these two, (The image of Raul Duke and Dr. Gonzo from ''Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas is shown) but with these guys, anything is possible. And regrettable. They have some fun in the city and find a quiet spot to look at the stars and chill. ''(At night, Jon and Harvey lie on the beach shore and look at the starry sky) Jon: 'I love the book ''Of Mice and Men. Have you read that book? '''NC: (as Jon) They have a happy ending, right? Jon: I always saw myself in Lennie and George, you know, these two people just...wanting to live off the fat of the land and have a place to call home. NC (vo): Yeah, the parallels are so thick. (The black-and-white image from the 1939 adaptation of the mentioned book is shown with Harvey's head edited onto Lennie's) NC (vo; as Harvey): Tell me about the chickens, George. Cheep, cheep-cheep-cheep-cheep, cheep, cheeeeeeep! Jon: out here just reminds me of my mom. Harvey: Hey, don't wo...listen. Don't worry about it. (points upwards) She's out there, look. In the sky! (calls out) Hello! Hello! You don't want to say hey? Jon'':' (waves to the sky with Harvey)'' Hello. Hi, hi, hi. '''NC (vo): What I like is, even when Wiseau interrupts an emotional line that clearly wasn't planned, it still kind of fits because the character is so odd, and it keeps the scenes lively. Jon: ...before she died. She would... Harvey: She died? When? Jon: Years ago. Harvey: Well, you say like it's recent. Jon: No, it was years ago, but... Harvey: Sorry about that. Jon: She'd take me to the Observatory... NC: (as Harvey) The Observatory? Wheeeen?! (Jon returns to the mortuary and sees a dead body of a clown) NC (vo): This next scene...I honestly don't have words for it. Just watch. Harvey: If you look at the X-ray...look it. He swallowed candle. And the second candle, put in his ass. What about that? Jon: What? Oh, man... Harvey: (chuckles) Yeah, right. This entire family so weird. The clown family? Wow. Mmm. Clowns. (The group photo of a clown troupe is shown on Harvey's table) Jon: (overlapping) What? Clown family? All of them clowns? Harvey: Yeah, they're weird like hell. NC: (sits with a frozen smile) ...I don't think there's anything I can say that can make this funny or sensical, so we'll just let it exist in the universe. (Outside, Jon tells Harvey about his plan to get rich) NC (vo): Jon explains to Harvey that he stole the fillings, but he wants to bring him in on it to sell the rest of them. And you know how I said Tommy's weirdness usually works in his favor with this role? There's a reason I used the word "usually". Harvey: (speaking flatly) Jon, you steal from me. You steal from my friends. You sell body part on the black market. Why are you doing this? Why? NC: Yeah, sometimes it sounds like he just woke up... NC (vo): ...and, when he finishes a scene, he can go back to napping. NC: Surprisingly, there is a difference between that and the rest of his acting. Harvey: How much? Jon: (gives Andrei's card to Harvey) I don't know, until he comes here and looks at it. Harvey: '''Today is not my day. '''NC (vo): You better pray something really weird is said to distract us. Harvey: When you end up in jail, I will not rescue you, okay? The only thing what I can do, I can send you few oranges. NC: (waves hand) That should do it. (The next day, Andrei visits the mortuary, accompanied by two women) NC (vo): He agrees to meet up with someone who will give cash for the fillings, and things get pretty funny again because we see Harvey interact with someone other than Jon. This just makes the interactions all the more humorous when you see the reaction to Wiseau obviously improvising and getting some of the lines wrong. Harvey: (to Jon) You never told me. Are you lying to me, man? Andrei: This is some place... Harvey: Why you do that? Andrei: (to Harvey) I'm sorry... Harvey: Huh? Andrei: Very sorry to interrupt. Harvey: Oh, no problem. Andrei: Uh... NC: Again, he's clearly flopping stuff, but it kinda works for both the character and us! NC (vo): Knowing the actors are trying their best to work with it, kind of how the characters would probably try their best to work with it. Harvey: Yeah, you're a spy. (Andrei scoffs) You work for them, right? Jon: No, he... Harvey: You try to come here to test me, I bet you. Andrei: What the fuck are you on? Harvey: I am on anything. Nothing. What do you mean, "on"? NC (vo): Again, it's a different kind of awkward than The Room because no improv was used there. Here, it seems more welcomed, and it still stays true to the scene and characters. Hell, I can see his character or Tommy frisking people when they enter his home. NC: That, and you know some of these lines were therapeutic for these actors. Andrei: (to Jon, motions to Harvey) Who the fuck is this goblin? NC: (as Andrei) Yeah, Wiseau, that'll teach you to show up... (glances at his wrist) ''...23 hours late. That's almost a day! ''(Finally realizing what he could do with the gold fillings, Harvey exchanges them for more money, and he and Jon hide the money in a safe disguised as an ATM machine in Harvey's garage) NC (vo): He (Harvey) seems legit uncomfortable, which I think ties into how more relaxed he is with Jon, making their friendship all the more interesting, he doesn't really see too many other people. They discover, though, he has a lot of fillings, so they give him a ton of money as down payment for it all. Harvey hides the money in an ATM machine he keeps in his garage... NC: Again, diehard wondering if the real Wiseau has that. (Jon meets bartender Traci Walton, played by Kristen StephensonPino. They begin dating, and Jon eventually moves in with her. Both are shown watching the 1953 movie ''Glen or Glenda ''on TV) NC (vo): ...as Jon and his new girlfriend named Traci sit down and watch Ed Wood movies. Jon: You know, I never thought I would enjoy watching these black-and-white movies so much. But it's as if the last 10 minutes are all about trusting no one. (chuckles) (NC is wide-eyed) NC: If that's what you got out of Glen or Glenda, I have far more questions for you that you probably have answers. (After telling about his venture to Traci the next morning, Jon introduces her to Harvey) NC (vo): He finally tells her about selling the fillings, but she doesn't like being lied to. So he takes her to meet up with Harvey. (Beat) That'll put her mind at ease. Harvey: (to Traci) Ha. You know what? Some day, he...he will support you. (chuckles) Traci: Okay, I don't need him to support me. Okay? I'm very independent, thank you. (Harvey continues chuckling) NC: The same might be shot from a distance, but the awkward is a pure closeup. Traci: What's your story? Harvey: What is your story, actually? Traci: Where are you from? Harvey: Planet Earth. NC: Okay, that suspension of disbelief, I just can't buy. (Upset that Harvey is withholding his share from the dental scrap sales, Jon suspects he is being cheated, suspicions fueled by a conversation overheard in the mortuary of Harvey and a man named Malmo, played by Paul Sheer. Assisted by Traci, Jon plots to trick Harvey into attending a non-existent Rolling Stones concert as a birthday present) NC (vo): Harvey thinks she's a gold digger, so he refuses to give Jon any of the money they have made. And on top of that, he's apparently putting down a lot of money on something with the actor from The League, but lies to Jon about it, saying the guy is just applying to be a janitor. Not trusting him anymore, Jon hatches up a plan with Traci to make him think he's going to a Rolling Stones concert while she steals the ATM. Traci: We got you tickets to the Rolling Stones. Harvey: (unwraps the tickets) Oh, that's my favorite. NC: (surprised) That's your favorite band? I figured it'd be Alvin and the Chipmunks or something! (On the way, seeing that the tickets have the Candlestick Park as the location, Harvey realizes Jon's plan and asks him to stop the car) NC (vo): But Harvey figures out the tickets are fake, and he asks Jon to pull over. (Harvey goes out of the car in silence. An audio clip from ''A Goofy Movie ''is played) Max: I gotta tell you something, Dad. Goofy: Why bother? (Harvey goes to the edge of the road, and Jon follows him. Harvey says to Jon he figured out everything, and so does Jon) NC (vo): Again, this is one of the scenes where Tommy's acting doesn't work, and, to his credit, there's amazingly few of them in this movie, and arguably, this is the last one. NC: But...it is also the funniest one. Harvey: I give you everything! Job, friendship, advice! You didn't give me nothing! Aaaaahhh!! (starts strangling Jon as the screen flashes white) (NC blows a raspberry, leaning to his right and trying to keep his laughter) NC (vo): That reaction was so silly, it actually sonic-boomed the movie. Like the film became conscious and had to laugh at how goofy it was. Harvey: You didn't give me nothing! Aaaaahhh!! NC (vo; as a "movie", in a deep voice): Ha-ha-ha-ha! Sorry. I'll go back to...being a movie. (In an ensuing struggle, Harvey falls from a cliff into the ocean, leaving Jon broken and shocked. The movie's first part ends) NC (vo): But Harvey falls off a cliff, and Jon is stuck, not knowing what to do, thus ending Part 1. NC: Hmmm. Hey, Tommy? (The door is opened by Malcolm...dressed like Wiseau) Malcolm: Oh, hi, Critic. NC: Dammit, get the real Tommy in here! Malcolm: Oh. Okay. Ha-ha-ha. (He closes the door...and Tamara appears in it, also dressed like Wiseau) Tamara: Anyways, how is your sex life? NC: (annoyed) Come on! Tamara: (speaks normally, giggling) I'm sorry! This is so much fun! (She leaves as well...and Tommy himself comes up) Tommy: No, seriously, Critic, how is your sex life? NC: (does a spit take out of nowhere again) HOW DO YOU KEEP DOING THAT?! Never mind, Tommy. I have to ask: how do these movies keep going, if you, one of the biggest draws, is suddenly gone? Tommy: Ah, you must be in...Part 2 now, ha. You didn't expect. Get ready for crazy time, it's about to get very weird. Mmm-hmm. Yeah. (closes the door and goes off) NC: (thinks) After Tommy leaves the films... (gets slightly baffled) ...is where it gets weird? (We go to a commercial. After returning, we start off Volume 2 of the movie. Jon and Traci attempt to open Harvey's safe, but are unable to do so without the key, so they take the safe and drive toward Colorado) NC (vo): So while I certainly didn't expect anything normal from an outing with Greg Sestero and Tommy Wiseau, I do wonder how things can possibly get stranger with less Wiseau in it. Well, it starts off relatively normal..."relatively" being a relative term...as Jon and Traci find the ATM and are unable to open it, so they toss it in their car. (We cut to a scene from Jon's past, with him being handcuffed and a person wearing a knight helmet confronting him...but you can already tell it's Harvey) NC (vo): But the film quickly ups the question marks, as it cuts forward to Jon being handcuffed on the stairs, and... Harvey: I have a good story for you. A familiar story. NC: (frowns in confusion) Wiseau-a-Lot... NC (vo): ...lingers beside him. NC: Hey, hey! I was promised dead Wiseau! Maybe there wasn't a...lead-up with a light-as-feather TV, but I was still promised! NC (vo): It seems to cut back and forth, showing how Jon got to everybody's worst nightmare of being handcuffed by Tommy. As we cut back to how it all happened, Traci and John hit the road, trying to figure out how they're gonna open the safe with all the money inside. But, of course, they're pulled over. (An Arizona police officer, played by Patrick Greene, orders Jon to stop the car) Officer: Tags are expired. Traci: What? Really? I'll get it fixed first thing in the morning. Officer: I was just thinking we could take care of it right here. In Brainard. (Jon and Traci are let go, and they are forced to stop at the local Oak Bar motel, managed by a person played by Robert Briscoe Evans, who is first shown looking from a window at the duo) NC (vo): The cop, like in most traditional thrillers, is a freaking dumbass and doesn't search the car, allowing them to stop at a nearby hotel with an extremely odd person manning it. (Jon and Traci enter the motel) Manager: This is an exclusive residence. It's a private retreat. Jon: Just one night, a few hours. Manager: Hold on a minute. Let me check something, and I'll be right back. (The manager leaves to his work table and writes on some papers, then glances at Jon) NC: (shakes head) Norman Bates wishes he could be this off-putting. Manager: Just make sure you sign the guest book before you leave. (passes by Jon and Traci) Bitches. NC: (snickers) What?! Manager: Bitches. NC: ...I swear you could hear a mic drop after he said that line! Manager: Bitches. (The feedback of a microphone falling on the floor is heard) NC: I've only just met this weirdo, and I already want to know everything about him! NC (vo): Who he is? How many people he killed in the hilarious ways he killed them? PART 3 THIS, DAMMIT! Traci: (in their room, to Jon) I made a phone call, so someone's on the way to get us. (Traci's uncle named Rick Stanton, played by Rick Edwards, enters the motel and picks them up) NC (vo): But we continue with the story that we're given, as Traci makes a call to her uncle Rick who says he's gonna come and help them out. NC: Uncle Rick...it's kind of where things get amazing. (Jon and Traci are shown in Rick's ranch house) Rick: ...while I get a little workout in. (looks at his muscled hands) A midnight pump. Get that look out of your eye, Jon. Not for you. (Rick Stanton and his house are shown in the following clips) NC (vo): The actor playing him is named Rick Edwards, and the best way I can describe him is bizarro Tommy Wiseau. The character was created specifically to mirror several elements of Rick's life. So it's shot at his actual home in the mountains, which is decorated with all the achievements of when he was an athletic rower. (A cover of the 1981 edition of GQ with Rick Edwards is shown) In the movie, they also make him a football star. He does midnight pull-ups, just...because. He starred in a soap opera, (Jake Morton from ''Santa Barbara ''is shown) as well as an Italian fantasy called Hearts and Armour, while also modeling! Acting, sports and modeling. NC: This is the Dos Equis guy if he was a cowboy! Rick: I once wrestled a gator down in the Manchac swamp. And I kicked his ass, or his tail, or whatever you want to call it... (The poster for the 2014 Hulu show ''The Neighbors ''and shots of two Street Fashions commercials starring Wiseau are shown, before going back to the clips of Rick) NC (vo): The reason I call him "bizarro Tommy Wiseau" is that while Tommy will try new things that usually won't work and act overly weird, Rick will try new things, have gone tremendously well, and act... NC: ...just the right amount of weird. But still, clearly weird! Rick: (to Jon) You know, and I hung in there, manned up, I took her down...we had a great time. That was fun. I gotta tell you, every once in a while, you just gotta go for that kind of stuff. You know what I'm saying, Jon? NC: And, yes, he takes up a lot of the movie! Rick: Hey, there's food in the fridge. I'm not gonna fuckin' babysit you. / Go on, guys. Make yourselves at home. I'm gonna sit back, get drunk...well, drunker. NC (vo): It's almost as if he hijacks the film. You're not supposed to like him 'cause he's the villain of the movie, but he just dominates every scene he's in. We just listen to him make bad jokes, weird small talk, and laugh at the most random moments. Rick: And I got a cougar stalking me. She lives next door. (He laughs, as we're shown four small clips of Rick laughing, and then going back to the mentioned scene) Rick: Yeah... NC (vo): I don't know if Chuck Norris memes are still a thing, but they need to be replaced with Rick Edwards memes! (The image of Rick is shown with a caption "Death Once Had a Near-Rick Experience") (Jon and Traci sit next to a campfire) Jon: It was your terrible idea to come here. Come on, your uncle, he's not gonna fall for this. (Rick watches them through the glass door) You didn't tell me your uncle was Clint Eastwood. NC: (as Jon) Makes me embarrassed I've been doing my Owen Wilson voice this whole time. NC (vo): Jon tries to feel bad about Harvey's death, but what's the point when you're staying in the house of the only guy who could possibly upstage him? Just look at his nightly regimen. (Jon sees a shirtless Rick throwing a football in the target hanging on the wall. Seeing Jon, Rick throws a football at him so hard, it hits his stomach when Jon catches it. Rick laughs uproariously) Bruce Wayne: (from ''Batman ''(1989)) Who is this guy? NC: I feel like he's gonna turn to a were-linebacker! (Jon has a nightmare that has Harvey, who's dressed as him, confronting him about his deeds) NC (vo): Even when trippy dreams of Tommy tries to steal the spotlight back, it's no good. This guy is just so enjoyably kooky! Harvey: You drive me crazy, Jon! (Cut back to a clip of Rick laughing, and then to a clip of Harvey burning a dollar with a lighter) NC: It's like they're having a weird-off! (Harvey's lines are overlapping with the clip of the laughing Rick banging his head on the target) Harvey: Evil man! Burn in hell! (Tommy peeks out NC's door) Tommy: Oh, seriously, Critic? You find somebody weird than me? NC: Well, not weirder, but just a...cool kind of weird. Tommy: So what does this mean? This person is bigger-star weird than me, and I'm not weirdest in your eyes? NC: Tommy, in all my life, I've never seen anyone weirder than you. Tommy: Oh, wow. What is compliment, you know. I...you always have nice things to say at...at end of day. You look tricky, you put deer on my ass, but, at the end of day...you're a nice guy after all. I don't know what to say about... (Tommy shrugs and closes the door) NC: (flummoxed) Everything today should concern me. (In the morning, Rick attempts to help Jon with cracking the ATM open) NC (vo): Rick can't seem to get the ATM safe opened, but that doesn't mean they can't look up other options. Jon: You got a computer I can use? Rick: Guest passcode is, uh, FU1986. Jon: FU? Rick: Yeah, "fuck you". Jon: Okay. (goes inside the house) Woman: (note: from a movie I don't know) Who are you? (Rick recommends hiring a local locksmith Doc Seagar, who later comes by. He's played by George Killingsworth) NC (vo): They find a guy in Tombstone, who's apparently good at cracking safes. So they send a guy to the place and...hey, I didn't know they could afford Dr. Demento! Rick: (to Doc) Hey, look. It's my ex-wife. She had all the money. I mean, nobody likes a box they can't open any more than I do, all right? NC: (hand on cheek) You're like if Gaston didn't die and he lived into retirement. Doc: First things first. I'm gonna have to have a whiskey over ice. Gotta unwind from my walk. I'll open this thing for you, but after I finish my drink. NC: You know, are they making up for Tommy not being in this by making everyone else curiously odd? Rick: Man, we'll get right on it. (He, Jon and Traci leave) NC (vo; as Rick): Oh, this is clearly a three-person job, so let's all pour it together. Doc: (calls somebody on the phone) Vinny. We got ourselves a golden goose. (While the man Doc called drives on his motorcycle, Doc himself holds Rick, Jon and Traci at gunpoint while they wait) NC (vo): So the safecracker gives a call to a shady friend before attempting to rob them himself. Doc: Get over here, against the wall. Come on! (The three stand by the wall) NC (vo; as Jon): Oh, please don't kill us. I can't leave such an embarrassing obituary. (The man, who's named Vincente (R.J. Cantu), stops before the others and recognizes Traci) NC (vo): Okay, a young guy with tattoos, five-o'clock shadow, wife-beater shirt... NC: I can kind of see how that will come across as pretty intimidating. But teamed up with... NC (vo): ...a badly traced picture of John Williams, not surprisingly, sucks out the fear factor quite a bit. NC: They're gonna have to really up the creep value if they want to keep us intimidated. (Suddenly, an enraged Vincente shakes Traci angrily) Traci: GET AWAY FROM ME! (shrieks) Vincente: (overlapping, screaming) Solvet saeclum in favilla! Teste Satan cum sibylla! (Vincente drags the protesting Traci inside the house. Doc shoots in the air, stopping Rick and Jon from interfering. NC is stunned) NC: Um... (clears throat) Jesus. Vincente: (dragging Traci inside the bathroom) My baby! Traci: What are you doing?! Vincente: Come to me, my baby! Traci: (screams) RIIIIICK!!! NC: (nervously) Hey, remember when Tommy was improvising earlier? (chuckles) That was pretty silly... (Vincente draws out a knife before Traci) NC: (shocked) Oh, God! Vincente: I know you're in there, baby. NC (vo): Well, this is definitely not The Room... (The poster for the 2015 movie ''Room is shown)'' Room, maybe, but not The Room. (An hand of an unknown person shoots Vincente in the back, killing him. When Doc comes in, the person shoots him as well) NC (vo): But somebody breaks in and saves her while also taking out the Mad Magazine parody of Nick Nolte. (Rick comes inside and sees the sobbing Traci and the dead Doc and Vincente) Rick: Who the hell shot Santa Claus and his elf here? NC: Hey, I'll make the jokes around here! (Beat) Oh, who am I kidding? You can make any of the jokes you want, you friggin' weirdo! (smiles) (Jon and Traci rest the following night) NC (vo): So, we're in the last third of Part 2 and little action has happened. We're in a totally different place, one of the main characters, arguably the selling point, only makes an appearance once in a while... NC: ...and I weirdly love it because of that. NC (vo): It is slow, but it's just so puzzling in its attitude that it's really fun not knowing if something is going to be intensely aggressive, intensely silly, or both. As long as this guy (Rick) is rambling about something uncomfortable, I see it as a win! Rick: (to Jon and Traci, sitting beside them with a gun) Keep your heads down, guys. Traci, not that far down. (chuckles) (A clip from the 1989 video special ''You on Kazoo is shown)'' Brett Ambler: Who are you? NC: You're like that perverted uncle everybody laughs with, but they still keep their distance from. (As Jon and Rick plot to dispose of Vicente and Doc's bodies and open the safe themselves, Jon discovers Harvey's car in Rick's garage. He confronts Rick and tries to take Traci away, but she resists) NC (vo): Rick has that early morning drink of champions, while Jon discovers Harvey's car is in Rick's garage. Jon demands some answers, and, unfortunately, he gets them. Rick: (takes out gun) I've never had this much trouble with anybody else. (Rick takes Traci in his hands...and kisses her on the lips, still keeping an eye on Jon. NC's smile abruptly goes down, just as the "Coolness Level" next to him does the same. The audience's groans (and small "Oh, no...") are heard) Rick: Finish packing, baby. (Traci leaves the room while Rick holds Jon at gunpoint) NC: (hoping to find some sense in this) ...That doesn't mean they're a thing! They said they scam people, they lie all the time! Maybe they're lying about being related! Rick: Now, I know what you're thinking. Did I fuck her five or six times? NC: (waves off frantically, disgusted) D'OHHH! STOP! STOP! It's not cool if you might be related! (Rick takes Jon outside) Rick: Hell, I was fucking her so hard last night, I thought there was gonna be a headboard homicide. NC: EWWWW!! GOD! I mean, I know I'm supposed to hate you, but I want to hate you the same way I hate the people from Game of Thrones, not...the people from Game of Thrones! (Two pictures of ''GoT ''characters are shown: one of Lord Petyr Baelish, the other of Cersei and Jaime Lannister) NC (vo): Thankfully, they clarify they're not related and this was all part of their scam. NC: (relieved) Oh, good. I can go back to laughing at stuff like this again. Rick: You look like a schoolgirl that's just seen her first pecker. Agent Janus: (from ''Men in Black)'' Who are you? NC (vo): It looks like Jon is in a tight spot, though. But, thankfully, he has a back-up plan. (Jon attempts to fight Rick by making a typical martial arts pose, but this only amuses Rick) Rick: Oh, for fuck's sake, The Karate Kid? (laughs softly and leans against a tree) NC: (shrugs) I didn't say it was a good one. (All of a sudden, the unknown person wearing black opens fire at Rick, so he hides behind a tree...and calls on his phone) NC (vo): But someone opens fire on them, and...this guy is so badass, he actually orders dinner while in the middle of a shootout! Rick: I'll do the steak fajitas. Thanks. (hangs up as the person shoots two times more) Fuck! NC: So, yeah, just remember: if you're an impotent man, just take two helpings of watching this guy. You'll be instantly cured. (Jon runs away from Rick, and the person starting the ruckus runs after both of them) NC (vo): Jon literally runs for the hills, Rick chases after him, the shooter chases after Rick, and this builds up to the bizarre ending of... (Tommy appears in the doorway again) Tommy: No, Critic. You give everything away. NC: But I usually talk about the endings in my review. It's a full analysis. Tommy: No, but you need to keep surprise. Audience will surprise. NC: Well... Tommy: Are you gonna kill all the way up here, talk to you, you know? Why give away ending? NC: You know what? Fine. I think these movies are good enough that they deserve to have some of the surprises unspoiled. All I'm gonna say is, and I know I'm going out on a limb...it gets a little odd. Tommy: So you mean you like movie? NC: You know, yeah. I legitimately do. Tommy: And what about my performance? NC: (sighs) You know, Tommy, in a strange way it's done...yeah. I actually think you did a good job. Tommy: I win Oscar? NC: It's not that good. Tommy: I win Oscar? NC: I think the cutoff date was already a long time ago... Tommy: I win Oscar? NC: (gives up) You might win an Oscar, Tommy. Tommy: Ah! I know. I knew it. I win Oscar. (NC stares at Tommy. The clips from the film are shown once more as NC states his closing thought) NC (vo): So, yeah. I legitimately enjoy both of these films. Again, for a warning, though, that they're not just another version of The Room and they might not be for everyone. If you saw The Room, you might appreciate parts of it more, like Tommy's line delivery and an occasional in-joke. But it is a lot more slower, artsy, and let's just say it: competent. There are still plenty of moments that are laughably strange, but I think they're intentionally that way. It had kind of an otherworldly feel to it that almost makes you feel like you're in another dimension, but one where the focus can suddenly change out of nowhere, leaving you scratching your head as to what can happen next. It's kind of hard to say whether or not I'd classify it as a comedy. It certainly has funny parts, but it also has moments of heavy atmosphere and intensity that are legitimately effective. I can't say this is a movie for a wide audience, but that's part of what I like about it. It did what it wanted in its own way for its own reasons and gave us something pretty unique. And I can see it definitely growing a following for how oddly passionate and for how passionately odd it is. Both films are a strange experience you won't be forgetting anytime soon. NC: And, Tommy, I know you'll always be connected to The Room...mostly by your own doing, but I can say that you gave a performance in the film that legitimately worked for the reasons they were supposed to work. Tommy: Why, I thank you, Critic. I appreciate it. It mea...means a lot, you know. Means a lot. (Greg Sestero himself is shown in the studio's doorway) Greg: Hey, Tommy, let's go! Tommy: (calls out) I'll be there in two minutes, Mark. Greg: (rolls eyes) It's Greg. (Tamara, Doe and Malcolm run up to Greg, smiling widely) Tamara: Oh, my God, it's Mark! Doe: Hi! Can you say that line? Malcolm: No, no, no, say that other line! (Walter appears in the studio) Walter: Oh, my God! It's James Franco's brother! (NC walks up to everybody) Greg: Look, guys, you're great and all, but we really got to go. Um, if you want someone to talk to you, (gives NC a card) call this guy, all right? We'll see you next time. Tommy, let's go. (starts to leave) Tommy: (offscreen) What a story, Mark. Greg: (offscreen) It's still Greg. (NC, Tamara, Malcolm, Doe and Walter sit on the couch in front of the laptop. NC starts typing) Doe: What did he give you? NC: A Skype number of somebody. (It's revealed to be...Rick Edwards!) '' '''Rick:' Hey there, Critic. (NC becomes giddy, but the others don't look interested as much) NC: (excited) Oh, my God! It's Rick! It's Rick, it's Rick, it's Rick! (takes off hat and strokes his head) How's my hair? Malcolm: Who is he? NC: He's, like, the best part from the movie Best Friends! Rick: Glad to see you're such a fan. Tamara: I don't care about him. Walter: Yeah, we only like The Room guys. NC: Oh, no, no, no! This is like the most amazing person ever! You just don't know it yet! Malcolm: Well, I bet he doesn't do anything with footballs. NC: He is literally a football star in the movie! Malcolm: Doesn't count. Doe: I miss that foreign homeless man... Walter: Come on. Maybe we could shout some more quotes at them as they leave! Malcolm: Yeah! (Everybody except NC leave the studio in a hurry, cheering) NC: No! No, no, no! It's Rick, man! It's Rick! What the... Doe: I love you...! NC: (to Rick, sighs) I'm sorry, man. They just don't know your awesomeness yet. Rick: Oh, it's okay. Everybody who denies me will be left behind in the rapture. NC: Yeah! (gets confused) What? Rick: The rapture of those who don't believe that I'm the...coolest...human...being...alive. Thankfully, you realized it in time. It should take place any minute. NC: Wh...was it always planning that way? Rick: No, I...I just decided it right now. (An explosion is heard in the distance. NC rushes to the doorway to check out. Cut to Rob and Jim finding themselves in the destroyed city, surrounded by fire) Jim: Thank God I'm a Rick Edwards fan. NC: (astonished) Holy shit! Rick: A unicorn made of chainsaws is gonna drop by and send you to paradise. I'm gonna go juggle some sharks for a while. Listen, thanks for being such a fan. It means a lot. NC: Thank YOU! I'm the Nostalgia Critic. Be sure to watch Best Friends with Rick Edwards. It could save your life. (shifts eyes, looking scared) Channel Awesome tagline - Harvey: The only thing what I can do, I can send you few oranges. Category:The Nostalgia Critic Transcripts Category:Content Category:Guides Category:Transcripts Category:Lionsgate Category:Nostalgia Critic